Life is unpredictable. That's a fact that we all know to be true no matter what, but it's not until things in your life take a complete 180 degree turn from where you thought they would be that the actual reality of the truth behind that statement becomes apparent. Anyone who knows me well enough will describe me as an uptight, high-strung person who has a plan for EVERYTHING. I live by lists and schedules, and when things get chaotic or don't go as planned, my anxiety levels rise and my discomfort in the situation is blatantly apparent. It's very hard for me to accept that there are things in life that I can't plan for, put on a schedule, or check off a to-do list, and it's even harder for me to accept that all the planning, scheduling, and list-making in the world cannot compete with the unpredictability that life offers us. I had all these ideas of what this semester was going to entail for me: my last semester of college. I was going to finally synthesize all the knowledge I had learned the last four years before embarking on my first experience teaching students, I was going to practice my butt off on French horn, I had a guy in my life that made me super happy and I was going to spend as much time with him as possible, and I was going to make a ton of memories with my friends before the "responsibility" of adulthood set in. But, life decided to hit my plans with the unpredictability hammer and send the semester in a completely different direction than I wanted or had envisioned it going. Instead of having a guy to spend time with and make me happy, I spent many a night sobbing over said guy and drowning my sorrows in a Captain and Coke (or several Captain and Cokes, but I digress.) Instead of making tons of memories with my friends, I spent most of my Friday nights watching Netflix by myself in my room, again with the good company of the Captain. People that I used to be really close to are like strangers now, barely talking to me and almost pretending like the history we have isn't important, that our friendship isn't important anymore. I have to drag myself across town to go to class, have to reason with myself to do my homework, and don't even get me started on the whole concept of practicing. On top of all that, I have people that are talking about me and judging me when they have no idea what I've been through in the last two months, how it's affected me and how I feel about myself since the whole shindig went down. The evil force of unpredictability really upset my life, and threw all my plans out the window.
When I look at things through a "non-Kelsey" perspective, I can see how the unpredictability that completely turned my life around this semester has been somewhat of a good thing, that whole concept of a learning experience, and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," yada yada yada. So I present a really crappy list of what I've learned through this whole thing.
1. People are going to talk about you no matter what, it's a fact of life. They have no idea what you go through, how things affect you, and the inner struggles you go through on a daily basis. Obviously, they have much more time on their hands as college students than I do to have time to sit around and make fun of me or talk about me. It bothers me, but at the end of the day, I'm the only one who knows what I'm going through and how it's affecting me (well me, plus like 2 other people, one of whom is my mother. I'll let you wonder who the other person is.)
2. People aren't always who you think they are, and no matter how hard you try, you can't force someone to make you a priority in their lives, even if they are a priority in yours. It sucks, but that's just the way it works.
3. You can't plan for everything, and even if you try to plan for everything, life is going to come by with her unpredictability hammer and upset some things. You can either let the unpredictability drown you, or you can grab onto the few things that have remained, and try to stay afloat. I will admit, I've let unpredictability try to drown me much longer than I should have with this whole situation, and I blame part of that on the fact that I never saw it coming, and was led to believe that what I had THOUGHT would happen and had PLANNED on happening would happen. I've managed to stay afloat this long, and everyday, I feel like I am getting better at swimming a bit farther on my own (this is a terrible metaphor but it's the best I've got right now so deal.)
4. In a few years from now, none of this shit is going to matter. I'll look back on how I reacted to getting my heart ripped out of my chest and curb-stomped by a pair of cowboy boots, and say "What a stupid little girl you were." It won't matter that people talked behind my back about how I was naive in thinking that it would ever work, because they don't know anything about the relationship we had at all. And if he decides that I'm not someone he wants in his life, I'll move on.
5. This is the one that I think is most important for me. YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT. Heartbreak sucks, struggling sucks, feeling like you aren't good enough, pretty enough, anything enough for somebody sucks, and the unpredictability of life SUCKS. But I've made it 77 days (and I just had to count that, I'm not keeping track of the days, so calm down.) And I'm going to keep making it. This whole thing has taught me that I'm a lot tougher and stronger than I realize, and it's also taught me that I'm a lot more vulnerable and "feely" than I realized. There are going to be hard days and there are going to be good days, and no matter what I think, I am equipped to deal with both in my own way.
So, I guess not all the unpredictability of life is a bad thing. Even if the unpredictability itself isn't good, you can learn a lot about yourself and what you are made of.
I must add a sixth thing to the list of what I've learned before I leave this post:
6. If you are going to partake in way more adult beverages than you should, eat chicken fries from Burger King. Just trust me.
