I'm pretty sure there's an unwritten rule somewhere that when you are a college student, and you are on a long winter break, you have to binge watch as much Netflix as you possibly can. I know the vast majority of my friends watched a TON of Netflix over break, and I too spent most of my days laying in bed wrapped in blankets, absentmindedly clicking the "next episode" button every 44 minutes or so. This winter break, my binge show of choice was the sometimes creepy, slightly humorous crime drama Criminal Minds. I had seen several episodes of the show before I decided to watch the entire series up to this point on Netflix, and that's only because A and E used to show marathons of the show every Friday night, and I've got like 2 friends and no life so I spend a lot of Friday nights by myself in my bedroom. Whatevs. Another big drawing point for me to watch all of Criminal Minds is the fact that I've got a ridiculously ridiculous crush on Shemar Moore, who plays the super sexy Special Agent Derek Morgan. That guy is seriously yummy. Okay, that just got weird, moving on....
As I spent hours a day watching episode after episode of the show, I began to notice patterns of how the events unfolded in several of the episodes. Based on those patterns, I began to come up with a completely ridiculous list of life rules that people should abide by, all inspired by the things I saw on various episodes of Criminal Minds. Please keep in mind that this list is not to be taken seriously, and it entirely farce. If you've never seen the show, there's a good chance that none of these will make sense to you, and you will think I'm weirder than you probably already thought I was, and that I've got way too much time on my hands to come up with this. But for those of you who have seen and can appreciate the show, it should make you chuckle at least once. So here we go!
Life Tips from Criminal Minds
1. If he's an attractive male, there's a 75% chance that he's a psychopathic serial killer.
- For real though, there's a fair number of bad guys on this show that are pretty easy on the eyes, and thus you are beyond shocked that they are super crazy killer guys. So, be alert around any attractive guys you encounter, cause they could really just be psychopathic creeps. Or they could be really nice guys. It's hard telling.
2. Just don't EVER go into the woods.
- On this show, the woods are never good. Not every plot line involves the woods, but good things NEVER HAPPEN in the woods. So just avoid them at all costs. You'll be safer this way.
3. Avoid the Russian mob at all costs.
- These guys don't mess around. You do NOT want to get on their bad side, and two episodes jump to mind that will illustrate WHY you don't want to get on their bad side. So if you can just stay away from them, that'd be best. (And, chances are, many of you reading this reside in the lovely state where the tall corn grows, aka IOWA, so you should be alright.)
4. Ask yourself only one question: what would Aaron Hotchner do?
- This guy is a legit bada**. For real. The team looks up to him to give them instruction, make the hard calls, and have their back whenever they are coming up against some super crazy creepy creep. I'm not trying to compare him to Jesus or anything like that, but if you are ever in a situation and you are trying to expand your horizons by thinking about what someone other than Jesus would do, just think about the man, the myth, the legend: Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner.
5. You will never be as cool as Penelope Garcia, so don't even try.
- Aside from the beautiful Shemar Moore/Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia is my *hands down* FAVE character on this show. She dresses amazingly, she has this crazy awesome sense of humor, and the chemistry between her and Derek Morgan fulfills the romantic, flirty crap that I need in my life since I don't get any of it in real life (but I'm not bitter... ANYWAY.) P.G. is also super crazy smart, which adds to her cool. No matter how cool you think you are, or how much you try to be cool, you'll never be on Garcia's level.
6. Always have a go bag packed, because wheels are up in 30.
- "Wheels up in 30." AKA Hotch is saying "get your stuff and get to our super fancy nice jet because we have a creep to catch." We could all benefit from having a bag-o-stuff ready to go a moment's notice, because life sometimes throws curveballs, and having a bag packed with some clothes, personal hygiene items, etc. would save time in a real crisis. It would also make spontaneous road trips more organized, which kind of takes away from the spontaneity now that I think about it, but I digress.
7. A lot of these crazy guys like brunettes, so dye your hair if necessary.
- This is just fact. Lots of the killers on the show like the brown-haired girls. If that creeps you out, consult your hair stylist and pick a new color.
8. We refer to them as the "unsub," not the killer.
- UNKNOWN SUBJECT. Don't call them a killer, and by all freaking MEANS, do NOT give them a nickname that is based upon the location of their kills or their method of killing. This makes the team mad, especially Rossi and JJ.
9. Never stay a roadside motel.
- I feel like this is kind of common sensical, because I've yet to see a roadside motel that doesn't look sketchy as heck. But maybe that's just me.
10. Never, ever, EVER make Derek Morgan mad.
- He will make you regret making him mad. Plenty of episodes can attest to this fact.
So there you have it. Some life tips gleaned from watching 10 seasons of Criminal Minds in about 7 weeks. You can choose to follow all, some, or none of these life tips, but whatever you decide, I hope you found this post as enjoyable as I did coming up with the idea.
Toodles :)
