Being a teacher is what I've wanted to be "when I grow up" as far back as I remember, and tomorrow, I embark on my first day of my first student teaching placement. I've basically spent the last month bouncing back and forth between really excited, really nervous, really scared, and really not-sure-if-I-can-handle-this-whole-being-a-teacher-thing. I know a lot of the nerves is just me being me, and I've had plenty of people tell me that they would be more concerned about me if I wasn't nervous before taking this giant step that is *literally* the beginning of the staircase to my future. I don't feel like I'm under-prepared: I've had excellent professors at BV that have helped me expand the knowledge I already had, and given me new knowledge, and I don't feel like I have no business trying to pass some of that knowledge onto students: I've had more than one person tell me that they think I'm going to be a good teacher and that I've got great skills and knowledge to offer my students. The biggest problem is, once again, I am my own worst enemy. I can have every person that I lean on when I need support tell me that I'm awesome, and that I'm smart, and talented, and that I'm going to be just fine student teaching, but it's all no good if I don't believe it myself. A man that I respect a lot told me that everyday, I've got to remind myself that I can do this, and I don't have to face it alone.
I love a good metaphor every now and then, and a few weeks ago I was conversing with a close friend, and I came up with what I think is a really good one for the beginning of this next stage of my life. When I was 4 years old, I took swimming lessons at BV during the summer. Now, I hated going underwater, and refused to go underwater every time they asked us to. A lifeguard literally had to hold me while every other kid was going underwater because I refused to do it. Move it to a few weeks later ---- > we get to swimming lessons, and we find out that we are going to be thrown off the diving board into the 13 foot deep end of the pool. I had no choice in the matter, they were going to throw me off that diving board whether I liked it or not. Imagine my panic: I'm a little 4 year old who had never been under the water up to that point, and now they were going to throw me off the freaking diving board?!?!? Not cool, first of all, but nonetheless it happened. Naturally I made a huge deal of this whole thing because I'm Kelsey and I tend to make big deals out of things, but it's not like they were throwing me down there to die. There was another lifeguard waiting down in the water to help us swim to the side of the pool once we hit the water. So, I got to the end of that diving board, lifeguard #1 threw me to my doom (but not really,) and lifeguard #2 helped me paddle my way to the edge of the pool after I hit the water. Student teaching is A LOT like that situation. Tomorrow morning when I get to East Sac County High School in Lake View bright and early at 7 AM for jazz band, I am (metaphorically speaking) getting thrown off that diving board all over again. The difference is, I've got more than one lifeguard in the pool to help make sure that I don't drown. I've got my cooperating teacher, my advisor at BV all the teachers I've done previous field experiences with, my high school band director, my private lesson teacher, the music faculty at BV, my family, and my friends. That's a lot of bodies making sure that I keep my head above the water and make it to the edge of the pool safely at the end of this 8 week experience. There's another difference too. Little Kelsey was terrified of being under the water. 21 year old Kelsey has gotten over that fear, and doesn't mind going beneath the surface for a little bit to explore what's down there.
I've always been a person who likes to play it safe. Taking risks is not something that I do very often, and I don't like being in situations where I don't feel like I'm in control. That's part of the reason I hated going underwater as a kid- Lord knows what could happen down there (again, little Kelsey may have been overdramatic but just go with it.) One of the biggest things I've learned as I've grown up is that it's okay to want to be in control and play it safe, but it's impossible to control every single thing, and you shouldn't try to. It's okay to take a risk every now and then, and step outside the box that I've gotten very comfortable living inside. No matter how much I want to or try to, I cannot plan for every single obstacle or experience I'm going to have during my student teaching NOR can I control every single thing that's going to happen- it's impossible, because students are students, and every day is going to be different, and present new challenges to work around. The best thing that I can do is be confident in the knowledge and skills that I have, be flexible in my plans, remember all the people that are in the pool to make sure that I'm not going to drown, and go underneath that water and see what happens.
I want to be a teacher because I love my content- no matter what else was going on in my life, band, and my band director, were always there for me. I want to be for my students what my band director was for me: someone who I knew believed in me, and was always there for me when I needed him, and I want to pass on the INSANE love and passion I have for music. I've spent the last 3 and 1/2 years learning and experiencing things to prepare for this moment, and, as Jukebox the Ghost said, it's time to jump into that water and see for myself what the rest of my life is going to look like.
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