One more thing.

Another thing they don't tell you about heartbreak: losing your best friend the first time sucks. But it's nothing compared to losing them the second time- after you've tried so hard and fought and fought and fought to stay best friends, because that's what you want so badly, but it doesn't work. That's when you spend a Sunday night watching Hallmark Channel sobbing as hard as you did the night he told you he just wanted to be friends, but this time you're crying because you're not friends anymore.

It's Yours

You've still got my heart. Take care of it please, because there is a giant hole in me where it used to be.

The heart-breaking thing about heartbreak

You know how everyone tells you that there is no pain in the world like that of your first broken heart? Believe them when they tell you that, because it is an extremely true statement. I've cried more in the last year since getting my heart broken than I have in my entire life, I've had more sleepless nights because of my broken heart than anything else, and I've generally been extremely pessimistic and hated life because of my broken heart more often than not. Loving someone and being willing to do anything for them, and to not have those feelings returned in the same way sucks beyond belief. But nobody every tells you about the worst part of a broken heart: losing your best friend in the process. Because that's what you were. Not only did I love you more than I ever loved anyone, but you were my best friend. Always there to talk to, to make me laugh, to make me smile, to tell me it was going to be okay when I felt like it would be anything of the opposite. Crush you to death hugs that made me feel better than nearly anything else in the world. And, now it's gone. I can deal with the fact that you broke my heart, I can deal with the fact that over a year later it still (obviously) really bothers me (barely, but dealing.) But I hate the fact that I lost my best friend in the process. And what makes me madder than a wet hen is the fact that all along it was all these sweet things about "you're still important to me," "I'm still going to be your best friend," "I'm still always going to be there for you." Apparently not so much.
I went into this whole thing knowing that my heart could potentially get very broken, and I was willing to take that risk. But nobody told me that I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life too. Believe me when I say I'd go back and change everything if I'd known this would happen.

Waiting for the beauty

Stop for a minute and think of the things in life that you find truly beautiful.

*think time*

Here's my list (I'll keep it short)

1. Bright green lawns after a rainstorm
2. Rainbows
3. Blooming flowers
4. Autumn leaves on the trees
5. Genuine, authentic smiles and laughs
6. Birds chirping

There, six is enough for now. Those are just some of the things in this world that I find truly beautiful. Now, for the real point of this blog. What is the one commonality between all six of the the items on my list? Drum roll please: there is a period of waiting before the beauty comes forth! Let me break this down and explain it a little bit better, in case you aren't picking up on what I'm saying right away.

1. When it hasn't rained for awhile, lawns are one of two colors; really dull green, or brown. Not lawns that I would consider attractive. But then, we get a little bit of rain, and they brighten right up.
2. Rainbows only appear after a storm. Common sense people.
3. When flower first get planted, you stare at a big brown spot of dirt for awhile. Then you get some tiny little green things that pop up, and finally you get the big, beautiful, colorful flowers that you were hoping for the whole time.
4. Fall is my favorite season, because I love seeing red, orange, and yellow leaves on the trees and falling down on the lawns and sidewalks and streets. But I have to spend a long time staring at either bare branches or green leaves before I get to see the pretty colors.
5. To really see someone's genuine, authentic smile and laughter, I feel like you have to have a close-ish relationship with that person. And that takes work. And waiting.
6. One of my favorite sounds of springtime is hearing the birds chirp. But that sound comes after a long quiet winter of no birds.

See what I mean? All those things that I consider to be so beautiful have some period of waiting, and in some cases a period of unattractiveness (I don't think that's an actual word but I'm going to use it anyway) before the parts that I consider to be so beautiful burst forth. But when the beauty does show up, the waiting period, the unattractive period isn't a huge deal AT ALL, because I'm finally getting to see and experience the part that truly matters to me.

I've had a rough couple of days. To be really honest about it, I've had a rough year, and I've been struggling a lot with the fact that I'm still struggling with the things that I'm going through (but that's a post, or several, for another day.) My point is: I'm more than ready to get to a point where I "find the beauty," for lack of anything better to say. But, like I just proved above, sometimes we have to wait awhile, and go through a period of serious unattractiveness before the beauty shows up. I've been waiting a long time, almost a year now. And there are more days that not during this struggle that I haven't liked who I've become, I don't like the things that I think and do because of how my heart is feeling, and I don't like what it's done to some of the relationships that mean so very much to me. But after I cry to let out the stress (did you know that crying burns 1.4 calories per minute?) and get some sleep, I always find myself taking a step back and thinking about how this whole experience is going to better me as an individual, a friend, a daughter, and a person in general. I know that things are going to get better, because sometimes you have to wait awhile before you see the things that are truly beautiful. And when that beauty does finally show up, the waiting period won't seem like nearly as big of a deal as it seems to be now.

The Storm Will Pass

I spent the past weekend in Waverly, IA with my friend Andreya for the annual Waverly Heritage Days Celebration. Two days of hanging out, listening to awesome cover bands, eating good food, and drinking way more alcohol than my mother would care for me to admit. Waverly is a good 3 hour jaunt from Storm Lake, so I got up and got ready to leave about 11:00 Sunday morning so I would be back home by mid-afternoon. I'm getting ready to leave, and Andreya comes to help me carry my stuff out to my car, and she goes "It's raining, by the way." I'm thinking like a gentle summer rain, whatever. No. Torrential downpour would be the better term to describe it. I got out of Waverly and the rain let up a little bit, but it was still a pretty strong shower. As I'm driving along, I get about 10 miles out of one town, and 4 miles away from the next town when the HEAVIEST rain shower I've seen in quite awhile. Rain so heavy that I couldn't see a foot in front of me driving, my windshield wipers needed to go about 30x faster to compensate for all the rain, that kind of rain. Couple that with the fact that it was a part of Highway 3 that has lots of curves. *cue Kelsey panicking severely* I'm leaning as far forward as I can to see, driving 10 miles per hour, saying Hail Mary's as quickly as I can, and channeling the bad-assery of my Grandpa Struck by telling myself that I can drive the damn box that the car came in. I also had that scene from 27 Dresses where Katherine Heigl is freaking out because she's hydroplaning LITERALLY 10 seconds after James Marsden tells her that she needs to slow down or she will hydroplane. So, that's all going on. I'm telling myself that if I can just get to that next town, I'll pull into a Casey's or McDonald's and wait for the rain to let up a bit before I continue driving home. So, I kept going, very slowly, praying fast. As I get closer to town, the rain starts letting up, and I look ahead and I see bright, clear skies. The worst part of my drive home was over, and it was smooth sailing for the remainder of the trip.

I often come up with blog ideas while I'm driving out of sheer boredom, but this one is a direct result of the circumstances I had to drive in. Sometimes, life is like that stretch of time 4 miles before Hampton. You can hardly see what's going on in front of you, you've got to move along a lot slower than you would like, you throw up a lot of prayers because you aren't sure what else to do, and you generally aren't sure if you are going to make it to the next goal or destination because it seems like everything is way too difficult to get through. But, you persevere. You keep going. You tell yourself that if you can just get to the next point, the next milestone, you'll find a spot and rest there awhile until the situation lets up a bit. There's nothing wrong with taking this path, and sometimes that's what you have to do, especially when situations are really big, really scary, and really difficult to get through. Sometimes, though, we don't need to stop and rest like we anticipated. Because all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the world gets brighter, the difficult part of whatever you are going through is behind you, and your journey becomes much more enjoyable, you can speed up your pace, and it doesn't seem nearly as scary anymore.

I made it through that scary storm. I didn't think I would, but with perseverance, a little faith, and good driving skills taught to me by my mother and my driver's ed teacher (shoutout to Mr. Torrey!) I got to that next town and saw the clear skies ahead. And whenever life decides to throw me a storm (whether it be an actual storm like yesterday or a figurative storm,) those same skills and that same wisdom I came up with on the nice part of the drive home is going to help me get through those storms. I'll get through them, and then I'll coast along with the enjoyable parts of the journey, whatever that journey may be.

Ciao.

So I finally watched Star Wars...

http://slapcountdown.tumblr.com/page/15 

Now, Marshall is not my FAVORITE character on HIMYM [How I Met Your Mother, for those who aren't cultured enough to know the acronym,] but taking 2nd place to Barney Stinson is not too shabby. Until yesterday, I was one of the people in the world who hadn't seen Star Wars, and no, it was not because I lived the Star Wars. I really don't have a good reason for not having watched the original film before now, I just hadn't watched it. So, over the holiday weekend, I visited the library (that's this place where you can go and borrow books, movies, CDs for free, in case you weren't sure) and checked out the first movie of the franchise:  Episode IV: A New Hope. And, because I'm super cool and hip, I watched it on a holiday afternoon with my mom and dad. 

So, here's the thing. I'm not a hater of Star Wars. I thought it was a decent movie, although I want to punch Han Solo in the face so bad. (On an unrelated note, Han Solo reminds me of my friend Kam, whom I've mentioned countless times on this blog. And I had a dream the other night where I was driving with Kam, and somehow a raccoon got into my car, and bit me. I was panicking because I got bit by a raccoon, so I crashed my car into a tree. Then, I was freaking out because I crashed my car into a tree, and Kam said something super sassy and I couldn't deal with it, so dream-Kelsey turned and punched him in the face. Then real-life Kelsey woke up crying, because I thought I had actually punched Kam in the face. I have to stop drinking pink Kinky before I go to bed. This tangent wasn't super off track, because I wanted to punch Han Solo in the face -> Han Solo reminds me of Kam -> I punched Kam in the face in my dream the other night. Anyway, back to the point.) Like I said, it was a cool movie. I enjoyed finally having some context for all the Star Wars tunes I've played a billion times in my band career, and knowing where they were at in terms of the film. I actually watched the movie a 2nd time because I've been sidelined with a mysterious hip injury and I'm not supposed to do a lot of moving for the next few days. And I'll probably watch the rest of the movies over the summer, and I'm assuming my reaction is going to be just like it was with the first one. However, I'm not going to like watch the movies so much that I can quote them, or start styling my hair like Princess Leia, or buy a cardboard cutout of Harrison Ford as Han Solo to put in the corner of my bedroom. 

So, my final verdict: Star Wars is decent. I can see why it's created the franchise it has, and why some people go apes**t crazy about them. But, I think I'm just going to be a chill fan of the Star Wars. 

To the Girl with her First Broken Heart

Let me start with this: I'm sorry. Dealing with a broken heart is unlike anything you've probably ever had to deal with before in your life- a whole new kind of pain, and I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Unfortunately, this probably won't be the last time you get your heart broken, but there's something about that first time that makes it sting worse than the others. I know what you're going through and how bad it sucks, so let me offer some advice.

Don't let anyone dictate how you handle this heartbreak. What I mean by that is this: every heartbreak is different, every person is different, every situation is different, and everyone handles all of that in a different way. Nobody has the right to tell you how to deal with it. Some people can get over it in weeks, or months. Some people, like me, have stretches where everything is fine, and then, out of nowhere, the pain comes back and you have a rough couple of days or weeks. Nobody is allowed to tell you that you've been grieving too long, or that you're being too dramatic about the whole thing, or that you just need to "move on." They'll handle their heartbreak in their way, you need to handle yours in the way that works for you. They might talk about you behind your back, about how you are handling this, and how they think you are handling it wrong. Let them. Screw them. You grieve for however long you need to grieve, sweetheart.

You don't have to go through this alone. You've got a mom who will sit on your bed with you at 3:00 in the morning while you sob for 3 hours. You've also got a mom who will buy you chocolate the next day, and jokingly threaten that "you better not have any rum in that glass" when you are drinking Diet Coke at 9:00 in the morning, just to try and get you to smile. You've got a friend who will sit with you and just let you cry on their shoulder. The same friend will be there anytime the feelings come back and you need to talk about them. This friend will also say anything to make you laugh or smile, just because they are sick of seeing you frowning and being sad. Of course, you'll have at least one friend who threatens to kick his ass the next time they see him, knowing full well that they wouldn't ever actually do it, but saying it because it's what you need to hear at the time. Use these people. It's a terrible idea to try and go through this alone, just trust me.

It's so easy to hate the guy who did this to you. You put your heart in his hands, and trusted that he wouldn't do anything to hurt it. And then he turned around and broke it, shattered it into a million pieces, or curbstomped it like a possum (inside joke.) Why wouldn't you hate him? I totally get it- about the third or fourth day, the tears and sadness get replaced with a ton of anger. It sounds crazy, but don't hate him. When you want to hate him, think about what made you fall in love with him in the first place. Whatever it is, it's still there, despite the heartbreak you've got right now. Try to think about it from his perspective: as awful as you feeling being the one with the broken heart, there's a good chance he feels just as awful about doing that to you. And even though he may never love you like you loved him, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything for you. "I might not be in love with you, but that doesn't mean I don't love you." A direct quote from the guy that broke my heart. It's possible to still be friends with that person, if that's what you want. Don't let anyone tell you that's what you need to do, though. If you are perfectly fine not having that person in your life at all, that's fine too. It might take time to rebuild that friendship, but if that's what you want, go for it. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't be friends with him again just because he broke your heart.

It's easy to hate him for doing this to you, but it's also a lot easier to hate yourself for "letting it happen." Read this next sentence carefully: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't sit around and torture yourself by saying things like this: "I should have known this would happen." "I wish I had never met him." "We should have just stayed friends." You will drive yourself insane thinking like this. In Looking for Alaska, John Green says "We can't know better until knowing better is useless." Remember this quote. Taking chances, on people, on opportunities, on adventures is a part of life. You liked this guy, and you took a risk being with him. You knew what could happen, you just hoped and prayed in your heart  that it wouldn't. That's part of the whole deal. If you knew that you were just going to get your heart broken, you wouldn't have taken a risk and told the cute drummer that you had a hardcore crush on him. Where's the fun in that? Playing it safe has it's moments, that's for sure, but sometimes you have to take the risk. You're going to take that risk again and again. It's okay.

It doesn't seem like it now, but things will get better. Right now, it probably seems like you should have run out of tears to cry and you should take out stock in Kleenex and Pillsbury Frosting, judging by how much of each you've gone through during this whole ordeal. It seems like NOBODY will ever make you feel like he did, and you'll never want anybody else because they could hang the freaking moon, but they won't ever be him. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a day, many days in fact, where you don't cry. There will be days when you don't eat an entire tub of frosting and use an entire box of Kleenexes during your late night tear-sessions. And believe it or not, there will be days when your heart doesn't feel like it's in a million pieces. Now, be forewarned that there are terrible days interspersed with the good days. And that may happen for quite awhile. But someday, someone is going to come along, and they're going to have the magic glue that puts your heart back together. And while a piece of your heart will always be etched with the name of your first love, the magic glue person will love you in the exact way that you loved your first.

Keep your chin up sunshine. There's always gotta be some rain before you see the rainbow.