The episode of "Full House" where Jesse and Rebecca find out they are going to be having twins is probably one of my top five quotable episodes of "Full House," mainly due to the root of the title for this post. Basically, Jesse is freaking the heck out because he's going to have two babies, and tells Michelle that he's apprehensive, and when she doesn't know what that means, he tells her it means nervous. The whole family finally finds out that "UNCLE JESSE'S APPREHENSIVE, THAT MEANS NERVOUS." Yada, yada, yada, you've all seen the episode. Anyhow I use that phrase more than is probably socially acceptable now, but it makes an especially clever-ish title for the post that is about to follow, so buckle up and get ready for the ride (it's not really going to be that exciting but I have to talk it up, it is my blog after all.)
So yes, I'm sitting here at 8:15 on a Saturday morning with feelings of apprehension and nerves? Kelsey, why are you nervous you ask? Well, it all starts with the most mentioned person on my blog in the last two weeks, Guy. He and I are hanging out tonight for really the first time since everything has gone down, gotten super awkward, made me sad, then started to get "normal" again. (I promise I'm not obsessed with Guy, he's just been, well, a major part of my life happenings lately. Get over it.) I can't really explain why I'm so nervous for us to hang out. I know one part of it is the fact that we are going to the same concert that we went on our first date too. That's probably the majority of the "weird" vibes I'm kind of feeling about it in all reality.
I'm more apprehensive about how I'm going to be throughout the night. I've gotten to a point where the majority of my sadness, bitterness, whatever is mostly gone about the situation, mainly because I did the grieving thing and being bitter about it isn't going to change what happened, so why waste my energies? But I'm apprehensive that being with him, just the two of us, hanging out like we used to do ALL THE FREAKING TIME is going to bring those feelings back, because the dynamics have majorly changed since the last time we hung out, and the last time we went to this concert specifically. The way I'm seeing it there are three possible outcomes for this evening:
1. I'm going to be fine, we're going to hang out and talk about random crap like we always have, and we'll both have a really fun night spending time with one another.
2. I'm going to come home and sob my eyes out yet again because he didn't want me to be his girlfriend.
3. I'm going to get super bitter halfway through the evening and barely want to talk to him or look at him and things will be real weird during the ride back to SL.
Now, I'm hoping that outcome number 1 is the one that prevails, because I'm sick of crying and being bitter is just a waste of energy. I'm at a point where the sadness is gone 90% of the time, but I would be lying if I didn't say that this evening could be one of the instances in the 10% where it comes creeping back to haunt me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I was equally as nervous the first time he took me to this concert, but for a whole different set of much happier reasons.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
It's My Life
I've always been a person who has sought out advice and opinions from other people. I genuinely have an interest in what others think, and Lord knows I'm always interjecting my opinions into situations so I figure it's best if I let other people interject their opinions into my situation. But I have a real problem with people trying to make decisions for me, or tell me what I am feeling about a particular situation. If you guessed that I'm referring once again to the friend-zoning thing, CONGRATULATIONS, you are smart. I will admit, I was a mess when it first happened, and I feel that was a completely normal reaction to have when something completely unexpected happens. But after my periods of anger, sad, depression, whatever, I know what I want my relationship with "Guy" as I referred to him in earlier posts to be, and I'm ready to start that relationship. There are so many people trying to convince me that I need to just remove Guy from my life, like they want me to forget all the amazing times I had with him and the beyond amazing conversations we've had about anything and everything. Some days it feels like nobody cares about what I want in this situation or what I need, except Guy, and believe me, the irony in that is not lost on me. I've accepted the fact that Guy is never going to be my boyfriend. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I'm 100% okay with it, it's more like 75% on a good day, but I've accepted that it's going to be a thing. I'm never going to fully understand why it didn't work, but Guy is always going to be one of my best friends, and his happiness is what's most important, even if that happiness is not with me. I'm sick of people accusing me of being so gung-ho about this new relationship because I'm holding onto some shred of hope that it's going to make him change his mind and decide that we are perfect for each other. That thought has not ONCE crossed my mind in the last 3 weeks. I'm gung-ho about this new relationship because I need Guy in my life. There is nobody else I can talk to about anything, nobody that makes me laugh or shake my head in disbelief nearly as much, nobody that can make me feel better when I'm sad, and nobody that gives nearly as great of hugs. Just because we aren't dating doesn't mean any of those things have to go away, and although I've felt super awkward about everything the last few weeks (Lord knows what Guy is feeling) the awkwardness is gone. I'm not a girl who has a lot of friends for whatever reason, and Guy is one of the best. I can't just get rid of someone that legitimately enjoys spending time with me (well, I mean, I think it's legitimate :/) and likes to do the same type of stuff I do (mainly listen to good music, go to Beatles cover concerts, go roller skating, although that one still hasn't happened YET and waste our lives away in Edson.) Plus he thinks I'm funny, which is 100% true naturally, but it's still nice to be reaffirmed of that fact every now and then. He and I have had a lot of conversations in the past 3 weeks, some have been pleasant and some have been a bit on the "heavy" side of things, and certain conversations with him in this time period have been more helpful with the acceptance of this situation than anything else anyone has tried to tell me. I personally feel that we are going to be able to be a lot more open with each other now because there is not that weird "I'm trying to impress you super hard because I wanna be your Bae thing" (and Guy, if you're reading this, and that's completely off the mark, you should let me know that......)
People like Guy don't come along very often in life, and when you've got someone like him in your life, regardless of whether it's a friend, a Bae, or some random dude you occasionally talk to, you don't let him go. So Guy, I know you are reading this, and I want you to fully recognize that you better get ready for a lifelong ride of crazy, because I intend on being one of your best friends until I'm either committed or dead.
So I'm done caring what other people think about this. I don't care if they think I'm jumping into hanging out and doing stuff with Guy too fast, and I don't care if they think I'm doing it because I have some weird false hope that he's going to magically decide he's in love with me and that we're going to be together forever (let's be honest, that crap never happens in real life anyway.) The only opinions that really matter are me and Guy's, and so far he's been nothing but supportive of me getting shit figured out and of us still being best friends. I appreciate that everyone is concerned for my mental well-being and all that crap, but at the end of the day, Bon Jovi said it best...
People like Guy don't come along very often in life, and when you've got someone like him in your life, regardless of whether it's a friend, a Bae, or some random dude you occasionally talk to, you don't let him go. So Guy, I know you are reading this, and I want you to fully recognize that you better get ready for a lifelong ride of crazy, because I intend on being one of your best friends until I'm either committed or dead.
So I'm done caring what other people think about this. I don't care if they think I'm jumping into hanging out and doing stuff with Guy too fast, and I don't care if they think I'm doing it because I have some weird false hope that he's going to magically decide he's in love with me and that we're going to be together forever (let's be honest, that crap never happens in real life anyway.) The only opinions that really matter are me and Guy's, and so far he's been nothing but supportive of me getting shit figured out and of us still being best friends. I appreciate that everyone is concerned for my mental well-being and all that crap, but at the end of the day, Bon Jovi said it best...
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Short and Sweet
Frustration. Frustration. Frustration. Frustration.
I'm a frustration bomb that is about to explode and it's going to be ugly when it happens.
I'm a frustration bomb that is about to explode and it's going to be ugly when it happens.
Monday, September 14, 2015
People Always Leave
If you've never watched One Tree Hill, this title and this picture mean absolutely nothing to you. But those who have watched the show immediately think of the artist: the dark, damaged girl that is Peyton Sawyer. She is the quintessential example of the girl who seems to have everything she could possibly want, yet she doesn't. Peyton gets left by a lot of people in the show, and I'm not going to spoil that for those of you who have been living under a rock and haven't watched the show yet (seriously though, all 9 seasons are on Netflix, go watch it, it will change your life.) I didn't feel like I could relate a lot of Peyton Sawyer because I saw a lot more of Haley James Scott in myself (#tutorgirl) but this is the one thing I think I can agree with Peyton Sawyer on. People always leave. It's crazy how people can just walk in and out of your life, never staying, or leaving the role they once fulfilled for something that isn't nearly what you expected.
People leaving my life is something I've grown used to. My family (I'm talking extended family here) walks in and out of my life when it's convenient for them, people I went to school with for twelve years stopped caring about our friendship the day we got those high school diplomas, and people I've met at college don't think I'm "fun" enough to be around, so they walk out of my life too. I'm not going to put all the blame on them, because if I cared enough about having them stay in my life, I'd try a hell of a lot harder to keep them there, but what's the point, when people always leave anyway? I don't like to think I'm a cynical person, but this is one topic where I'm really cynical. Why should I waste my time and energy getting to know a person, telling them things I don't like to talk about, becoming reliant on their support and advice, when they are just going to leave? Even if they are still a part of your life, once they choose to fulfill some new role, it's like they left anyway. Why bother getting close to someone when you know that they're just going to leave, and become more like a stranger than a friend anyway?
I guess the one bright spot of hope is that once in awhile, you find someone who won't leave. I just don't think I've found enough of those people yet.
Friday, September 11, 2015
The best therapy in life is free
I started this blog back in 2011, and I honestly don't remember the mindset behind me wanting to start it. There's a great possibility that I was just really bored and needed something to do on a random afternoon, I'd almost be willing to bet money that that is what happened. It's interesting for me to look back and see the posts from the previous years, and not only see how much funnier I've become (it's true, don't deny it,) but to also see how the subject matter of my blog has changed. I went from posting lists of the 25 books I read in 6 weeks because I had no friends, recipes that I baked, or projects I had crocheted, to writing about judging others, religion, and being friend-zoned. Since my friend zone post is the most recent, that's the one I'm going to focus on for the message of this post. Before blogging last night about the "incident," I was a ticking time bomb of emotions: I was crushed, pissed off, confused, and anything but happy. "Guy" as I referred to him in my other post broke my heart, and that's not something that I think anyone can really get over that quickly. After spending a night practicing in the music building, I was driving home and reflecting back on the night he told me he wanted to just be friends, much like I had been doing since the night it happened, and I started having this inner monologue with myself about how I felt, and the things that I had realized about myself since the occurrence. This inner monologue continued when I got home, and even though I was determined to be asleep before 11:00 for the first time all week, I had to let my laptop get enough juice so I could type that blog post while the thoughts were still fresh in my mind and I was brave enough to post it. This sounds super corny, but this insane sense of calm and acceptance of the situation came over me after I proof-read the post for the final time and hit publish. That post was me taking the entire sucky situation that had been on the forefront of my mind for the last two weeks, and throwing it out of the nest (that metaphor was terrible but I digress.) I told my friend Ethan that it was therapeutic, that getting all my feelings out into a semi-funny blog post had helped more than anything else I have tried in the last two weeks to get it off of my mind. There's something about just putting my feelings into words that finally helped me let go of this crazy false hope I had been clinging to, you know, that feeling where things would turn around and Guy would realize that he wanted me, blah, blah, blah, blah. For the first time in two weeks, I'm ready to start bringing happiness back into my life again on MY TERMS.
I've never consistently blogged since I started college, mainly because it's hard to keep up with everything when your plate is chocked full of homework, working, classes, and practicing (#musicmajorlife.) But this is a big year for me, and I've got so many changes that are going to start happening, and I want to feel that same sense of calm and acceptance I felt after writing last night's post, so why the hell shouldn't I blog about stuff? It doesn't matter to me that nobody reads these posts, and I may look back in 15 years and think "Kelsey Monica, why on earth did you blog that on the INTERNET for a bunch of people to see?" But right now, in this moment, this blog is exactly what I need: an unbiased place for me to write about what I'm going through in order for me to digest it and roll with the punches of life. So get ready for a lot more posts about a lot of things, because my life is starting to move towards a new path, and it's happening whether I'm ready or not.
I've never consistently blogged since I started college, mainly because it's hard to keep up with everything when your plate is chocked full of homework, working, classes, and practicing (#musicmajorlife.) But this is a big year for me, and I've got so many changes that are going to start happening, and I want to feel that same sense of calm and acceptance I felt after writing last night's post, so why the hell shouldn't I blog about stuff? It doesn't matter to me that nobody reads these posts, and I may look back in 15 years and think "Kelsey Monica, why on earth did you blog that on the INTERNET for a bunch of people to see?" But right now, in this moment, this blog is exactly what I need: an unbiased place for me to write about what I'm going through in order for me to digest it and roll with the punches of life. So get ready for a lot more posts about a lot of things, because my life is starting to move towards a new path, and it's happening whether I'm ready or not.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
So, I just got friend-zoned
It's been nearly a year since I blogged, and I mean I could blame it on the whole "busy college schedule thing" but really I just haven't been struck with the inspiration to blog. But as you can see by the title of this post, something pretty big happened in my life recently and I'm here to blog about it. But first, the background story (aka before the friend-zoning.. not sure if that's a verb or not but I just made it one.....)
So, back in February, I developed a middle-school girl crush on a guy who is in a similar major to mine. For the sake of anonymity, we are going to call this guy "Guy." (PSA- if anyone reading this blog actually knows the whole story and the name of Guy, PLAY ALONG.) Guy was smart, funny, made me laugh, and was pretty easy on the eyes. It took me quite a long time to get the courage to actually tell Guy that I liked him, although I was being pretty damn obvious about my feelings the entire time, and turns out he knew way before I told him that I was into him (cue Kelsey looking like an idiot.) I told him, and I got the message I was honestly expecting to get: "you're a great friend, and I think we should just stay friends." Sigh. Since I expected it, I wasn't too crushed about it, and we continued being friends and hanging out and doing stuff together. We had been planning on going to this Beatles tribute concert as friends (we are both huge fans of The Fab Four,) and the night before the concert, Guy asked if it was okay with me if we considered the shin-dig a date. Me, being super poise and cool, was like "yeah, sure, whatever," then immediately asked if it was still okay for me to wear jeans. So, I guess that is what you could call the beginning of our "dating." I put dating in quotes because it wasn't dating as most people think about it this day in age. If I had to put a label on it, it was definitely "emotional dating" purely because there was no physical things that go along with dating (and I'm talking innocent stuff here people, get yo minds out of the gutter!) We talked a lot, and he probably knows me better than anybody now. Guy is easy to talk to, and I didn't have any problems sharing anything with him in all honesty. Then the worst thing that can happen to a "dating" couple in college happened: Guy went back home for the summer. We talked most everyday throughout the summer, and saw each other a few times. I couldn't wait for him to get back for the new school year so we could go back to seeing each other every day.
So that's pretty much the background. Guy was the one person in the world I felt like I could talk to about anything, and he was supportive ,and gave me great advice, and always made me smile when I was feeling sad.
I'm not going to go into great detail about the whole friend-zone thing, because I'm pretty sure that we all know how that works. Naturally, I did not react well to the news. I came home, threw myself onto my bed, and sobbed my heart out for 4 hours. I felt like the world was going to end, that my life no longer had meaning, and that I was just this undesirable human being that was always going to be alone.
This happened 2 weeks ago. Looking back, I want to go back in time and slap myself across the face. Being friend-zoned sucks, don't get me wrong, but throughout this entire "dating" process, I was basing my ENTIRE happiness on Guy. If we didn't talk, if he didn't respond to a message, if I tried to be flirty and he didn't play back, I was crushed. Like, nobody should ever base their entire happiness on ONE FREAKING GUY/GIRL, even if they are the greatest thing since sliced-bread. I made the age-old mistake of falling WAY TOO HARD for the first person to show romantic interest in me. Rookie move, Kelsey Monica, rookie move. Guy and I had this great connection that was full of potential, but at the end of the day, he's a tomato and I'm a peanut butter sandwich, and no matter how awesome those two are separately, they're never going to be good together. But that doesn't mean the tomato and the peanut butter sandwich can't be friends. And honestly, looking back on the situation from an outsider perspective, that's really all we've been this entire time. I might have tricked myself into thinking that it was much more because I was so into him and wanted it to work out, but I think I might have known that it wasn't going to manifest into anything romantic, I just didn't want to admit it.
So we're trying this whole friends thing again. I did my whole grieving process, which involved many tears, lots of alcohol, and two tubes of Pillsbury Cookie Dough, and it's time for us to get back to the place where it's not going to be hella awkward for the both of us. But I think it'll be alright, because we've just been really close friends this entire time. Of course, I'm going to have to stop my shameless flirting with him, and mentally chastise myself when I find myself gazing at him when I should be paying attention to other things. I hope we can get to the point where we can talk like we used to, and that Guy will once again be the person that I can talk to about anything, and I can only hope that he finds me as supportive, caring, and helpful. He's one of my closest friends, and he's important to me, and I'm going to stop being so freaking dramatic and figure out a way to keep him in my life for the long haul.
So in conclusion, being friend-zoned still sucks. But after I did my dramatic girl reaction, I realized that I'm going to be okay, and someday I'll find the perfect jelly to accompany my peanut butter sandwich.
So, back in February, I developed a middle-school girl crush on a guy who is in a similar major to mine. For the sake of anonymity, we are going to call this guy "Guy." (PSA- if anyone reading this blog actually knows the whole story and the name of Guy, PLAY ALONG.) Guy was smart, funny, made me laugh, and was pretty easy on the eyes. It took me quite a long time to get the courage to actually tell Guy that I liked him, although I was being pretty damn obvious about my feelings the entire time, and turns out he knew way before I told him that I was into him (cue Kelsey looking like an idiot.) I told him, and I got the message I was honestly expecting to get: "you're a great friend, and I think we should just stay friends." Sigh. Since I expected it, I wasn't too crushed about it, and we continued being friends and hanging out and doing stuff together. We had been planning on going to this Beatles tribute concert as friends (we are both huge fans of The Fab Four,) and the night before the concert, Guy asked if it was okay with me if we considered the shin-dig a date. Me, being super poise and cool, was like "yeah, sure, whatever," then immediately asked if it was still okay for me to wear jeans. So, I guess that is what you could call the beginning of our "dating." I put dating in quotes because it wasn't dating as most people think about it this day in age. If I had to put a label on it, it was definitely "emotional dating" purely because there was no physical things that go along with dating (and I'm talking innocent stuff here people, get yo minds out of the gutter!) We talked a lot, and he probably knows me better than anybody now. Guy is easy to talk to, and I didn't have any problems sharing anything with him in all honesty. Then the worst thing that can happen to a "dating" couple in college happened: Guy went back home for the summer. We talked most everyday throughout the summer, and saw each other a few times. I couldn't wait for him to get back for the new school year so we could go back to seeing each other every day.
So that's pretty much the background. Guy was the one person in the world I felt like I could talk to about anything, and he was supportive ,and gave me great advice, and always made me smile when I was feeling sad.
I'm not going to go into great detail about the whole friend-zone thing, because I'm pretty sure that we all know how that works. Naturally, I did not react well to the news. I came home, threw myself onto my bed, and sobbed my heart out for 4 hours. I felt like the world was going to end, that my life no longer had meaning, and that I was just this undesirable human being that was always going to be alone.
This happened 2 weeks ago. Looking back, I want to go back in time and slap myself across the face. Being friend-zoned sucks, don't get me wrong, but throughout this entire "dating" process, I was basing my ENTIRE happiness on Guy. If we didn't talk, if he didn't respond to a message, if I tried to be flirty and he didn't play back, I was crushed. Like, nobody should ever base their entire happiness on ONE FREAKING GUY/GIRL, even if they are the greatest thing since sliced-bread. I made the age-old mistake of falling WAY TOO HARD for the first person to show romantic interest in me. Rookie move, Kelsey Monica, rookie move. Guy and I had this great connection that was full of potential, but at the end of the day, he's a tomato and I'm a peanut butter sandwich, and no matter how awesome those two are separately, they're never going to be good together. But that doesn't mean the tomato and the peanut butter sandwich can't be friends. And honestly, looking back on the situation from an outsider perspective, that's really all we've been this entire time. I might have tricked myself into thinking that it was much more because I was so into him and wanted it to work out, but I think I might have known that it wasn't going to manifest into anything romantic, I just didn't want to admit it.
So we're trying this whole friends thing again. I did my whole grieving process, which involved many tears, lots of alcohol, and two tubes of Pillsbury Cookie Dough, and it's time for us to get back to the place where it's not going to be hella awkward for the both of us. But I think it'll be alright, because we've just been really close friends this entire time. Of course, I'm going to have to stop my shameless flirting with him, and mentally chastise myself when I find myself gazing at him when I should be paying attention to other things. I hope we can get to the point where we can talk like we used to, and that Guy will once again be the person that I can talk to about anything, and I can only hope that he finds me as supportive, caring, and helpful. He's one of my closest friends, and he's important to me, and I'm going to stop being so freaking dramatic and figure out a way to keep him in my life for the long haul.
So in conclusion, being friend-zoned still sucks. But after I did my dramatic girl reaction, I realized that I'm going to be okay, and someday I'll find the perfect jelly to accompany my peanut butter sandwich.
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