I started this blog back in 2011, and I honestly don't remember the mindset behind me wanting to start it. There's a great possibility that I was just really bored and needed something to do on a random afternoon, I'd almost be willing to bet money that that is what happened. It's interesting for me to look back and see the posts from the previous years, and not only see how much funnier I've become (it's true, don't deny it,) but to also see how the subject matter of my blog has changed. I went from posting lists of the 25 books I read in 6 weeks because I had no friends, recipes that I baked, or projects I had crocheted, to writing about judging others, religion, and being friend-zoned. Since my friend zone post is the most recent, that's the one I'm going to focus on for the message of this post. Before blogging last night about the "incident," I was a ticking time bomb of emotions: I was crushed, pissed off, confused, and anything but happy. "Guy" as I referred to him in my other post broke my heart, and that's not something that I think anyone can really get over that quickly. After spending a night practicing in the music building, I was driving home and reflecting back on the night he told me he wanted to just be friends, much like I had been doing since the night it happened, and I started having this inner monologue with myself about how I felt, and the things that I had realized about myself since the occurrence. This inner monologue continued when I got home, and even though I was determined to be asleep before 11:00 for the first time all week, I had to let my laptop get enough juice so I could type that blog post while the thoughts were still fresh in my mind and I was brave enough to post it. This sounds super corny, but this insane sense of calm and acceptance of the situation came over me after I proof-read the post for the final time and hit publish. That post was me taking the entire sucky situation that had been on the forefront of my mind for the last two weeks, and throwing it out of the nest (that metaphor was terrible but I digress.) I told my friend Ethan that it was therapeutic, that getting all my feelings out into a semi-funny blog post had helped more than anything else I have tried in the last two weeks to get it off of my mind. There's something about just putting my feelings into words that finally helped me let go of this crazy false hope I had been clinging to, you know, that feeling where things would turn around and Guy would realize that he wanted me, blah, blah, blah, blah. For the first time in two weeks, I'm ready to start bringing happiness back into my life again on MY TERMS.
I've never consistently blogged since I started college, mainly because it's hard to keep up with everything when your plate is chocked full of homework, working, classes, and practicing (#musicmajorlife.) But this is a big year for me, and I've got so many changes that are going to start happening, and I want to feel that same sense of calm and acceptance I felt after writing last night's post, so why the hell shouldn't I blog about stuff? It doesn't matter to me that nobody reads these posts, and I may look back in 15 years and think "Kelsey Monica, why on earth did you blog that on the INTERNET for a bunch of people to see?" But right now, in this moment, this blog is exactly what I need: an unbiased place for me to write about what I'm going through in order for me to digest it and roll with the punches of life. So get ready for a lot more posts about a lot of things, because my life is starting to move towards a new path, and it's happening whether I'm ready or not.
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